Moses, Party of....Two

You might have seen this picture on my IG this morning. I'm slowly opening up about our struggles with infertility. Some day the pain and heartache are heavier than others, and today is one of those days.

I flipped back to a blog back in May where I had a glimmer of hope that we would finally have our chance. My doctor is awesome, and I was convinced that we would have a baby soon. I had 6 months of treatments, and then an off cycle of 90 days. I literally tracked everyday in my phone counting down to the last medicine dosage. I had alarms set to celebrate off cycling. I just knew this would be it. I should've have listened to that little voice back then that told me I was setting myself up for heartache. By the end of the year, my gallbladder had other plans and threw the cycle pattern all out of whack with its decision to vacate my body. I had to stop all treatments- $15K in fertility down the drain. When I went in for surgery, I contemplated begging my surgeon just to remove all my organs while in there. Obviously my uterus had failed me again. I also hoped that my gallbladder weighed about 50lbs, that didn't happen either.

In the midst of all of this, I swear every person I know either announce their pregnancy or had a baby. Congrats, I'm happy. But, I am still allowed to feel my pain. One night after soon after surgery, I had a total meltdown. My husband was at work, so it was me crying incessantly into pillows and yelling at the walls. Why? Why me? Why? I hated my body. This is not to be confused with self-esteem or self-image; I hated my organs and endocrine system. All that effort, time, money, love and hope I had put into having a baby was a lost cause. Poof, gone. What hurt even more was no one knew how to comfort or console me. Perhaps maybe one person because their journey has been just as painful and heartbreaking. Infertility is still such a taboo subject, and no one wants to talk about. I don't share my journey because people look at me with blank stares or respond with half thought answers. "Relax." "Wait." "It will happen." What do you think I've been doing? How about, "This really sucks, and I know there's nothing I can say or do, but I love you. I'm here for you. Here's some ice cream."

At this point, I'm at that fork in the road, and I don't know what to do. Do we go back down this road? Give up our dream of conceiving our own child? Turn to adoption? Surrogacy and IVF are wayyy out of the budget. Or do we say, heck with it all...That's a question only we can decide. For now, we will remain Moses, party of two. I'll just enjoy my new baby nephew and the sweet baby Ks.

Someday, but not today.

Today, I took off work. I took off work because work is slightly insane. Finals depleted my energy and brain functioning. Most of all, I knew I would need time to recover from this weekend. It's the holidays when the heartache is almost unbearable, and the tears are never ending.

Some of my fondest memories are waking up on Christmas to packages and surprises left by Santa. I remember the year I got the pink Barbie corvette, the year of the make-believe kitchen, and the year of the frosty purple N64 (which I kinda wished I still had). Besides Christmas, Mother's Day is the next holiday that punches me in the gut and is constant reminder that I am yet to be the one thing I want to be... a mother.

I don't talk much about our journal and struggles with infertility because it makes people squeamish. (If that's you, turn away now.) I also don't talk a lot about it because people are terrible at comforting someone who deals with infertility. Like, someone who has children and mentions how they understand how awful it feels. No, you don't. Or, the person who offers their kid as consultation, or tells me to wait. I also don't talk about it a lot because I can sound bitter (see above). It's truly a pain you do not understand unless you have lived through it. And, if you have it's also a pain you could never explain to anyone.

But... back to Mother's Day. I knew today there would be thousands of pictures of kids bringing home flowers, presents, and crafts from school. I literally have mentally prepared myself  for a week. Alas, I've failed miserably. Clearly, it's late, and I'm pouring over my keyboard. I'm not knocking people for sharing their happiness, but it is difficult. I would kill to have my own baby to bring me home a partially wilted flower. A hand-print card. A Q&A that depicts me in a comical way. I tell myself I will have a turn someday, but that day is not today.

After switching to a new doctor we actually had some positive news. For years we've been told nope, never, not going to happen. Lately, we've been singing a different tune. We're still in a waiting game, and we still face a future of uncertainty. The waiting is the most difficult part. I'm close to 30, and we're still quite some time away from even being able to try and conceive. It's defeating. It's heartbreaking. When I feel like giving up, I remember the reason I started.

It's those Christmas mornings. The late nights of setting up Santa gifts. Eating cookies and drinking milk. It's the hand-print cards and little flowers with the sweet notes attached. It's the Q&A paper that says I like to eat everything, my age is incredibly off. So while you're celebrating with your moms or celebrating with your own children, say a little prayer and send a little love to those who may be struggling. Again, I hope to share this joy with you someday, but that's not today.

Jerrica's 28th Birthday Wish List

Can we briefly discuss the year of being 27? It was somewhat challenging, but at the same time... so rewarding. Promotions, vacations, and so much happiness. I had this complex about turning 27, but I welcome number 28 with love and excitement. With that said it's time for Jerrica's 2nd Annual Birthday Wish List.

1. Clear Makeup Organizer- If you've followed at least the past month, I've accumulated quite a bit of makeup. It probably doesn't help that I have a few monthly sub boxes. The girls in my facebook makeup groups have raved about this organizer :)

2. Eye-Vac Touchless Vacuum- If you have critters- two or four legs- you need to check this item out. It's literally an automatic dustpan. 75% of my home is hardwood floors, so sweeping becomes quite the chore. With this bad boy, you just sweep it over to the opening, and Shwoosh... it's gone. Check it out here :)

3.El Dorados. I've begged everyone I know to go with me over the past week. 

4. Bunn Coffee Maker- I jumped on the single cup coffee maker train for a while, but since I was a little girl, my mamaw had a Bunn on her counter. Plus, my coffee addiction has grown since I learned to add my Atkins shake in for flavor. Check this out :)

5. Carnival Cruise Gift Card- With our 2nd cruise in October, extra boat cash is always a plus. You can pick these up about anywhere. 
 

Most of all, I would like your prayers and support. As many of you know we started our baby journey recently. After years of struggle, we have a lot of hope this round with a new doctor and already positive news. 

Hello Spring!

It's officially spring!! The first day of spring, Palm Sunday, Passion Sunday.  I would have to say this is my second favorite time of the year just behind fall. Everything is beginning to change, and the world is coming to life again. After dropping our nephew off after church, we took the back road to Joe's grandmother's house. That road is a tiny, winding road, but it has some of the most beautiful scenes you will see in this area. I started thinking of all the reasons I love springtime.

1. Flowers. Greenery. I love love love all the flowers and trees coming into bloom. I stepped out on my front porch just two days ago and realized the only two trees in my yard are in full bloom. The lilies are beginning to sprout. The grass is green. Our allergies are in full force. This year we promised ourselves to update the outside and add a walkway from the porch to the driveway.

2. Birds. Call me a nerd. I've always been fascinated with birds. I had two parakeets growing up, and I loved them so much! Just this past week, we filled the feeder, and some visitors are slowly stopping by. I can always tell when birds are at the feeder because the cats sit glued to the window tails waving and teeth chattering.

3. Sandals. I hate wearing shoes, and do not even get me started about socks. I'm also not one of those people who thinks flip flops in 30 degree weather is not acceptable. I just want to slip on some sandals when I have to leave. No socks. No shoelaces. No zippers. No problem.

4. Skirts and Dresses. Just like sandals, throwing on a dress or skirt is easy and not to mention super cute.

5. Everyone quits whining about winter. I swear. This past winter I came across some of the most whiny, angry people. I was so tired of seeing winter getting hated on.  But would you appreciate spring, if it weren't for winter? Let that soak in.

6. Pastels! Somehow I started getting this style magazine in the mail. The Spring edition came in the mail, and it is filled with pastels. Baby pinks, icy lilac, canary yellow, and powdery blues.


7. BABY ANIMALS EVERYWHERE. No more explanation needed.

And with that note, I will end because what can top baby animals?!

My Weekend Needed a Pause Button

It has been a while since I last recapped my weekend, and this past one was probably one of my favorites in a longggg time. In fact, I just searched back through my posts, and it was in 2013. Maybe I need to be a little more lively on the weekends... or at least do something exciting at my house. But this past weekend, I could've hit pause and had an extended Friday (after 5PM), Saturday, and Sunday.

Friday I kicked off the weekend with Zootopia accompanied by my mom and baby brother. And no, I didn't use him as an excuse to watch a children's movie. Joe and I proudly go watch kids movies all the time. Seriously though, if you haven't seen Zootopia- I recommend it. It's super cute, funny, and has a really good moral. I personally like Judy, the main character, I see a lot of myself in her character. Plus, there's adult jokes in there, so you can get a laugh too. My baby brother, who is four, actually sat through the movie. It may have helped that we had pop, popcorn, and candy, but either way he REALLY enjoyed it. I also introduced him to the world of snapchat filters. Just give a four year old your phone and snapchat, and he'll be entertained for hours.

 Saturday was was even better. I had some errands early that morning, so I thought while I was out I would wander around our local Vendor's Mall. To my surprise, I ran into my grandmother there. We decided to top the morning off with a tip to Goodwill and the Dollar Tree. She also treated me to breakfast, which was so good. (Except nothing compares to her fried taters!) And oh yeah... I got a tattoo Saturday.

I knew I wanted a tattoo for my sweet Macho cat, and I had a couple of ideas I had been kicking around for some time. This one was at the top of the list. It was so perfect. I couldn't be happier with the turnout. Plus, my tattoo guy is the bomb. Joe and I sat and cut up with him for hours!

Sunday was not special. We went to church Sunday morning, and bible study that night. Kudos to any pastor who can incorporate writing poetry in a bible study! It was probably my favorite lesson... EVER. I may also be partial becuase I wont the 3rd grade acrostic poem contest. (I still remember the first line "Valentine, valentine. You're so fine."

I did get to craft some on Sunday which was long overdue!! A few weeks ago I had dropped a mirror and shattered the glass. The frame was still perfectly fine, and if you've ever tried finding good frames for a project it's nearly impossible. The frame sat propped against the wall for some time. Then, our of no where, I had this idea spark. I mean pinterest helped some, but whatever. I had never really worked with decomesh before, so I was pretty pleased.

 Can I go back to this past weekend and do it all over again?

Why Not Wednesday? Baby Foot- Foot Exfoliant Peel

Baby Foot- Exfoliant Foot Peel has been floating around the internet for quite some time. I was incredibly skeptical of this product, as I didn't believe it would work miracles as the reviews suggested. Boy, was I wrong. Saying this product worked is an understatement.

If you've not heard about Baby Foot, it is a foot exfoliant that removes layers of dead skin cells built up on your feet. It uses natural extracts and fruit acids to do the job. Through the process, your feet begin to slough/peel to expose the fresh, smooth skin underneath. Now, do not think this is just some peel like a sunburn. This is full-on peeling. Sheets of skin peeling, but it absolutely does not hurt! Gross, right?

The process- You get these hospital, alien looking plastic booties filled with the gel. Soak your feet in warm water about 30 minutes, dry, put on the booties and cover with socks. *Note- these are not made for walking around! It's dangerous, and reminds me of sloshing around in those sponge looking flip flops in middle school after they got wet. Sit back, relax, or if you're me work while your feet soak for an hour or so. After removing, rinse and dry. Then... this is the part where impatient people (like me) get agitated- the peeling. Some reviews said they started peeiling in 4-5 days. Me? I waited a whole two weeks before any signs. After that, holy guacamole- my feet peeled for two more weeks!! It was to the point I had to wear socks full-time because I would leave trails of peeling skin. Even more gross, right?!

The package reads each cycle takes between 4-30 days. I wouldn't say my feet are terrible, but they are not in the best of shape either. I am the person who apologizes to the nail tech when they finally grab my feet. After my peeling process ended, my feet were in a lot better shape!! They recommend if you have bad heels- two cycles will fully remove all dead skin. After my first round, I think I can successfully go to the nail salon and not apologize. Haha!

For $25 you get one treatment. Most people only use Baby Foot two-three times a year. I am in month two after first application, and my feet are still pretty smooth! I am thinking of picking up a second set just to see if that REALLY helps.  You do have to order online, but mine shipped fairly quick. *Buyer Beware- there are imitations out here. The reviews for the imitations have left people with chemical burns and fungal diseases. I do not recommend buying an off brand!!*

I say check this out if you are interested in taking care of your feet. Spring and sandals are right around the corner!! Also, I will leave you to your own courageous selves to google pictures or watch videos about the product. Some are pretty gross!! Read about baby foot Here!

Also, speaking of sandals... I need these from Torrid!

Want to hear about my second round?! Let me know!

Meow or Never: Recap

Let's recap.

The last couple of months or so have been some of the most challenging and demanding of my entire life. Basically February on has been a crap shoot. I will spare you the grueling details of every month, but I will hit some of the high points.These were total life changing events.

I watched addiction overcome my father-in-law. My husband decipher the ugly actions of others. My once best friend drift farther away. Every day struggles of the workplace. Inconceivable actions of those you love most. The most devastating and heartbreaking news.

Before I begin, keep in mind THIS. IS. REAL. It is no way an excuse or a crutch.

Since hitting my 20s I have struggled with migraines, irregular cycles, emotional highs and lows, severe stomach pains, and of course, weight gain. I didn't really think anything of it until... I have a menstrual cycle that lasted 10-12 weeks. Yes. 3 straight months. A coworker finally forced me to go to the doctor.

After test after test, days of waiting, an ultrasound, and thousands of dollars... I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and borderline diabetic.Those two pretty much go hand in hand for women diagnosed with PCOS. It explained sooo many issues I had been facing: irregular painful periods, weight gain, issues losing weight, depression, hair growth.

These are all things I can fix though. I was placed on a low-carb diet and dropped 20 lbs. in no time. My periods had become regulated with the help of medicine. My moods were better as my hormones became more balanced. And the hair... that's a whole different post.

What I didn't realize, PCOS causes fertility problems. Wait. Hold. Stop. Excuse me? 

These five years everyone has asked when why we don't have kids... I am the problem? The one thing a woman can do in life... I can't? I've spent years thinking it's just not the right time. I convinced my brain I didn't want children, but my heart felt otherwise. I masked my emotions because I just knew it would happen one day. Now, there's a little more solidity to the lack of diapers and bottles at the Moses house. (Disclaimer: I know things can change, miracles happen, and there's adoption options.) Now, it's a little different when people mention babies.

What's even harder is the people who are insensitive to the issue.  It's hard to shop for baby shower gifts- let alone, attending one. It's enraging to watch you- 6 months pregnant- smoke and talk about using illegal substances. It's difficult to see you treat your children so poorly. It's heartbreaking when you say, "Ah, kids aren't worth it anyway." It's upsetting when you say, maybe you should try harder, quit trying,  try this medicine, talk to this doctor. The worst, "maybe you wouldn't be a good parent anyways."

But... I trudge on through. I have supportive people in my life, and I am grateful for that. I am even more grateful for a God who knows exactly what he's doing. I am coping and learning as I venture through life. One day at a time. On my toughest days, I remember the John 13:7 and it puts a smile on my face.

In the mean time... one word: cats