I flipped back to a blog back in May where I had a glimmer of hope that we would finally have our chance. My doctor is awesome, and I was convinced that we would have a baby soon. I had 6 months of treatments, and then an off cycle of 90 days. I literally tracked everyday in my phone counting down to the last medicine dosage. I had alarms set to celebrate off cycling. I just knew this would be it. I should've have listened to that little voice back then that told me I was setting myself up for heartache. By the end of the year, my gallbladder had other plans and threw the cycle pattern all out of whack with its decision to vacate my body. I had to stop all treatments- $15K in fertility down the drain. When I went in for surgery, I contemplated begging my surgeon just to remove all my organs while in there. Obviously my uterus had failed me again. I also hoped that my gallbladder weighed about 50lbs, that didn't happen either.
In the midst of all of this, I swear every person I know either announce their pregnancy or had a baby. Congrats, I'm happy. But, I am still allowed to feel my pain. One night after soon after surgery, I had a total meltdown. My husband was at work, so it was me crying incessantly into pillows and yelling at the walls. Why? Why me? Why? I hated my body. This is not to be confused with self-esteem or self-image; I hated my organs and endocrine system. All that effort, time, money, love and hope I had put into having a baby was a lost cause. Poof, gone. What hurt even more was no one knew how to comfort or console me. Perhaps maybe one person because their journey has been just as painful and heartbreaking. Infertility is still such a taboo subject, and no one wants to talk about. I don't share my journey because people look at me with blank stares or respond with half thought answers. "Relax." "Wait." "It will happen." What do you think I've been doing? How about, "This really sucks, and I know there's nothing I can say or do, but I love you. I'm here for you. Here's some ice cream."
At this point, I'm at that fork in the road, and I don't know what to do. Do we go back down this road? Give up our dream of conceiving our own child? Turn to adoption? Surrogacy and IVF are wayyy out of the budget. Or do we say, heck with it all...That's a question only we can decide. For now, we will remain Moses, party of two. I'll just enjoy my new baby nephew and the sweet baby Ks.
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