The last couple of months or so have been some of the most challenging and demanding of my entire life. Basically February on has been a crap shoot. I will spare you the grueling details of every month, but I will hit some of the high points.These were total life changing events.
I watched addiction overcome my father-in-law. My husband decipher the ugly actions of others. My once best friend drift farther away. Every day struggles of the workplace. Inconceivable actions of those you love most. The most devastating and heartbreaking news.
Before I begin, keep in mind THIS. IS. REAL. It is no way an excuse or a crutch.
Since hitting my 20s I have struggled with migraines, irregular cycles, emotional highs and lows, severe stomach pains, and of course, weight gain. I didn't really think anything of it until... I have a menstrual cycle that lasted 10-12 weeks. Yes. 3 straight months. A coworker finally forced me to go to the doctor.
After test after test, days of waiting, an ultrasound, and thousands of dollars... I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and borderline diabetic.Those two pretty much go hand in hand for women diagnosed with PCOS. It explained sooo many issues I had been facing: irregular painful periods, weight gain, issues losing weight, depression, hair growth.
These are all things I can fix though. I was placed on a low-carb diet and dropped 20 lbs. in no time. My periods had become regulated with the help of medicine. My moods were better as my hormones became more balanced. And the hair... that's a whole different post.
What I didn't realize, PCOS causes fertility problems. Wait. Hold. Stop. Excuse me?
These five years everyone has asked when why we don't have kids... I am the problem? The one thing a woman can do in life... I can't? I've spent years thinking it's just not the right time. I convinced my brain I didn't want children, but my heart felt otherwise. I masked my emotions because I just knew it would happen one day. Now, there's a little more solidity to the lack of diapers and bottles at the Moses house. (Disclaimer: I know things can change, miracles happen, and there's adoption options.) Now, it's a little different when people mention babies.
What's even harder is the people who are insensitive to the issue. It's hard to shop for baby shower gifts- let alone, attending one. It's enraging to watch you- 6 months pregnant- smoke and talk about using illegal substances. It's difficult to see you treat your children so poorly. It's heartbreaking when you say, "Ah, kids aren't worth it anyway." It's upsetting when you say, maybe you should try harder, quit trying, try this medicine, talk to this doctor. The worst, "maybe you wouldn't be a good parent anyways."But... I trudge on through. I have supportive people in my life, and I am grateful for that. I am even more grateful for a God who knows exactly what he's doing. I am coping and learning as I venture through life. One day at a time. On my toughest days, I remember the John 13:7 and it puts a smile on my face.
In the mean time... one word: cats
No comments:
Post a Comment